I stumbled upon this hilarious piece in the Nashville Rage while waiting for my bagel sandwich at Portland Brew this morning.
Dear Bitterman,
I’m a 34-year-old man and hopelessly single. I have been overweight all my life ( I’m 5-foot-7 and weigh more than 300 pounds), and although I have been in several relationships, I have never been able to keep a girlfriend for very long. I have tried Internet dating and singles groups, but it seems that the women I go out with can’t get past my physical appearance long enough to see that I am a good man and just want an opportunity to show them the real me. How can I find a girl who can accept me for who I am?
— Hank from Nashville
Dear Hank,
You have certainly come to the right man, Hank. I think I can easily solve your problem: Aim lower.
You see, all men have unrealistically high opinions of themselves. I’ve seen total losers try to pick up women who are light years out of their league. And while I admire their confidence and melon-sized cojones, at some point you would think that these knobs would have bumped into a mirror and seen that they didn’t win the genetic Powerball and should instead have taken a shot at the hottie’s ubiquitous, unattractive, bitter and slightly pudgy sidekick.
You, my friend, are not going to be one of those guys who is able to pick the ripe fruit from the tree. Only pretty boy model wankers and lead singers in bands get that privilege. You, sir, are going to have to be satisfied with the bruised peaches that have fallen to the ground. So lower your standards. Yes, everyone wants a Giselle, but sometimes we have to be truthful with ourselves and realize that Rosie O’Donnell is probably the best we’re going to get. And that’s OK.
The irony is that there are tons of women who are in your very same position. Many are overweight like yourself, may have unsightly skin rashes or a wicked case of the rickets, but they are still hoping against hope that that special someone is out there and will overlook their daddy complex and irritable bowel syndrome and love them nonetheless.
So keep up the good fight and don’t give up on love. And if all else fails, check into mail-order brides. Yes, they’re only sleeping with you for the chance to get out of abject poverty. And, yes, they will drain your bank account dry and leave you the minute they get their green card. But at least you’ll have a hot Russian chick to show off to your friends for a while. And who can put a price on that?
Good luck with that,
— Bitterman